I grew up on a resort in Northern Minnesota spending summers there and the school season in St. Paul.
I learned to hunt, fish, and camp at a very young age. But as I grew up, I learned how to do it right. This post explains how to deer hunt the right way. First, get the right people to hunt with. For example, if you friends nickname is twitchy, you probably don’t want to give him a firearm. Also, never be the most knowledgeable guy in the group either. When somebody shoots a deer, you want them to just take care of it. It literally huts inside when you watch someone butcher an animal the wrong way if you know how to do it. What inevitably happens is the guy that is most experienced either does all the work, or has to take his time to make sure it doesn’t get screwed up by someone else. Extra points for being good friends with anyone who works on guns, taxidermy, or is a butcher. You just struck gold if you hunt with this friend.
Now, let me show you literally the best how to deer hunt strategy ever…
Let me walk you through a typical day of deer hunting for this guy. First, take your alarm clock and throw it in the lake, if there is not a lake you must start a fire and burn it while victoriously dancing around the fire. There is no point in trying to get me up at first light. If getting up at 4AM to go through an hour long ritual is your thing just so you can sit your butt in a cold tree in God-knows-where-woods, just to watch the stupid sunrise, more power to you. Not for this guy. You know why sunrise is so early? Because God was trying to hide it. Don’t mess with God.
After sleeping in, and trust me, when you become a parent, you will understand how holy this is, look out your windows and doors for deer. If you see one, you have just been blessed. Shoot it to instantly win deer hunting. Then you can hang out, drink, and watch football the rest of the weekend. You get extra bonus points if you drop it in your driveway.
If there are no deer outside, get up and enjoy a nice cup of hot coffee and scramble some eggs. Eat them and enjoy them. This is supposed to be fun.
After breakfast, put on your gear and go for nice long walk in the woods. Like any American loving patriot, I have a conceal and carry permit so I carry a 38 with snake shot just in case I see a grouse. One time I shot a bird with my 30-06 and there was literally nothing left. Lesson learned.
Pay attention. This is very important. There are big rewards and costs of actually seeing a deer. To make sure the benefits outweigh the costs, follow these simple rules: 1. Does it have pointy things on its head? If yes, mow it down. 2. Is it’s rack as big as Kim Kardashians butt? If no, don’t bother with the mess. Once you pull the trigger deer hunting stops being fun. 3. Is it within a stones throw of a road (and uphill from it)? If yes, you can shoot it. I broke up with dragging a dead body through woods a long time ago. Especially if it is longer than 100 feet and uphill.
I always make sure to return to the cabin for lunch. Most football will start an noon. Grill a bratwurst and watch some ball. Being from Minnesota and constantly disappointed by the home team, I usually want to kill something by halftime. Go back out then.
Now, this is important, no matter how exciting it is to sit in a tree or literally watch the sun move across the sky, quit an hour before last light. You never ever want to track, gut, and drag a deer after dark. Been there, done that. Not worth it. You will likely ask for help from your friends too, ruining the evening ritual.
When you get back to the cabin, put some chili on the stove and start the fire in the sauna so it is hot for for the evening. Wait for the rest of the hunting party so you can talk about how epic the day was. When the rest of your party gets back feel free to burp, fart, and do all sorts of other manly things while bragging about your own manliness, beards, and guns.
Now thats how to deer hunt!